Unfortunately, when you come back, that's not when it ends. You just keep spiraling right? Just last year, the whole world was coming down on me with the loss of you know some of the most significant male figures in my life brothers. Warriors teammates, they were everything, right? So that superseded the issues I was having internally with all the blast exposures and the injuries. It was dealing with the survivor's guilt, dealing with the extended mourning of these significant figures in your life. You know, the pretty typical stuff of drinking and fighting just got out of hand. I am getting arrested again for bar fights.
This point, I am well into my thirties, an experienced dude, And I am still doing dumb shit, just trying to find a way to let it all out. Right? And just becoming a bitter, isolated person; and a lot of that is both the physical effect of your experience within these situations in combat, but just the mental pressure and weight of all the things that happen. And you can even see that you are putting a lot of weight on your family. They are mentioning it, you see it, but you are like, "Well, fuck it." You just keep telling yourself, “ I ain't worth shit, I am a disappointment- So fuck One of the biggest things I used to think about is, how could I be so relevant? How could I be so meaningful and sought after in combat and looked up to and doing such a great job on the team- then you come home and it's the complete opposite. You are making all the wrong choices. You are disappointing everyone. You don't have that worth like, how can I be an effective operator in combat in some of the most stressful, chaotic situations in life, but I can't even be a good husband, father or family member? Which was a very hard realization to come to. It all came down to just a deep dark hole where those thoughts start seeping in and you are like, "Man, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be here. I don't want to keep breaking my family apart and putting all this weight on everyone." Like fuck it, man. It's better if I am gone. We hear it all the time from other guys but never think it will be you. But when you get to that point, You are like, "I get it now. I get it." Thank God, there was a quick intervention from my wife, and she just put the plan into action. She called everyone that she knew of, stayed with me, and made those people aware of the situation. Within an hour I am sitting in a therapy session with who's now my therapist. Our behavior health officer, I guess he was the OIC of the behavioral health section, who really became such a pivotal member of my journey, my path, helped me connect with her and other resources. That guy's family now. I just broke down and I realized I don't really want to do this, but I am going to surrender to the cause. I am going to surrender to the process. It's one of those things where it doesn't work unless you are all in. It doesn't matter. You can jam it down someone's throat all day. Doesn't do shit unless the individual wants it.
The first place I went to was to a therapist right off the bat. It took me that day to just let it out. I just remember, I was just sitting in a chair humped over crying my brains out. All those tears I’d suppressed that was transformed from anger and I just needed to let out both the tears and the weight and everything that's in my head. And that got me to a place where I needed to start thinking clearly of what's next. And we started talking about programs.